Took this from Ruth Blog.......What adoption might feel like.....

About a year ago, I read an article by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp, an article that first went to print in the Adoption Parenting publication. Hockman-Chupp is a writer and an adoptive parent, and she wrote the following analogy to help all pre-adoptive parents understand what adoption might feel like from a child's perspective. It haw haunted me since first reading it. Here it is in its entirety.




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A Different Perspective

Imagine for a moment...


You have met the person you’ve dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by “soul mate,” for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.


The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day’s events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world...the person who will be with you for the rest of your life.


The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner’s arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But it’s not him! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved?


You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn’t understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay. But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him?


Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn’t speak your lan- guage-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn’t seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone.


You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bed-time with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact. Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He’s finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don’t understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it.

More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you? You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried.

The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you. You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy.


The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to “get along.” You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation.
Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair. Finally, some-one (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you’ve ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you’ve never heard before.


He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you’re used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black. You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to asleep.


People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy’s hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you’ve fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness. Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you’re hanging on for dear life, you’ve learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along.


Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.


How would each of us handle all these changes? How would this impact us for the rest of our lives?




©2006-8 Cynthia Hockman-Chupp. Cynthia is an adoptive parent, teacher, and writer who has learned the most about parenting from her children. She operates a website with Heidi Louella, another adoptive parent and teacher, called www.a4everfamily.org with great information for families that are dealing with the challenges of attachment in young children. Her analogy is courtesy of Dr. Kali Miller, an attachment therapist.
This article was originally published in Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections published by EMK Press. This 520 page parenting book is a tapestry of contributions from over 100 adoptive parents, adoption experts, birth parents, and parents who have become experts to parent the children who have come to them. It is available from EMK Press, 16 Mt. Bethel Road, #216, Warren, NJ 07059 732-469-7544 • 732-469-7861 fax • www.emkpress.com

Starting to set in.....

My hubby has been playing with the blog. I hope that you guys like it. He felt that we needed a bust to get into the celebration of what is about to come into our lives! It's hard to believe that in a few short months we will have a picture of our son! Not to mention that we only have a few months to get prepared for this little one coming into our lives. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. I'm finally going to be a mom!

Adopting a boy!

Looking forward to Change.....

As I woke up this beautiful day.....I looked at the sun shining in the window of Reagh's room. At that moment I had such joy in my heart that in just a few months he'll be here waking up each morning. I can't explain how peaceful it was sitting there. While in that moment I felt like everything was going to be ok. It was almost like a huge weigh was lifted off my shoulders. As I sat on his bed letting the sun hit my face all I could do is smile. I can't wait for the day of seeing him here each and every day. How life is going to change....how I'm looking forward to it.

Update

Our dossier is in the authentication process. Best guess at the moment is that it will come out of the embassy right after Easter; back to the province by end-next week and then on to China. It's getting closer!!!!! I'm getting excited. Let's hope that things keep moving smoothly.

Imagine Adoption Charges

Imagine Adoption charges a relief: family

Former general manager Rick Hayhow and founder Susan Hayhow were arrested Thursday. Waterloo Police and the RCMP have charged them with breach of trust, six counts of fraud over $5,000, and three counts of fraud under $5,000. Each is facing one additional charge of fraud over $5,000.

The charges relate to around $420,000 of funds that allegedly were misused for personal vacations, clothing and renovations to the couple's Cambridge, Ont. home.

The Ontario-based international adoption company went bankrupt in 2009, leaving the adoption process of at least 350 families across Canada in limbo. It was restructured with the help of donations from prospective adopters, including at least seven families from P.E.I.

Tammy MacKinnon, spokeswoman for the P.E.I. Adoption Coalition, told CBC News Monday the charges were a long time in coming, but families are relieved people are being held accountable for what happened.

'It doesn't help my family'
Brenton Dickieson and his wife have been trying to adopt a child from Ethiopia through Imagine Adoption. "It was obvious to all of us who were involved that there was severe mismanagement and probably crimes involved. I was pleased that there are charges that resulted," he said.

"Sometimes these things don't always come true the way that you would expect them to and having them face penalties for that is good, but it doesn't help my family. And it doesn't help people who have dreams of adopting internationally."

Dickieson said it's sad that this case has caused so much hurt to hundreds of families across Canada and has damaged international adoptions. He still hopes for an Ethiopian adoption to come through.

There were eight families on P.E.I. trying to arrange adoptions through Imagine at the time of the bankruptcy. Two have had matches arranged through the restructured company. They are the legal guardians of children from Ethiopia, and are waiting to hear when they can bring their children to Canada. Four are still waiting, and two have moved on to work with other agencies.

The Hayhows have been released from custody. They are due to appear in court again May 26.