Feeling sad.

I wish that I could feel excited and happy this time of year. I use to love decorating my house and shopping for those special little somethings for family and friends. I loved the smell of pine all through the house.

Now, I'm just sad. I hate feeling this way. I want the joy to be back in my life. I miss the excitement that we had when we started this whole process. All I want to do is stay in bed and wait for the holidays to be over.

These people need a Christmas Miracle....Can you find it in your heart to donate?

My husband came home and told me to watch this



My husband donated $10 dollars to Narayanan Krishnan foundation to feed the people. With just that $10 helped feed 40 people. Imagine...40 people with full bellies with just $10. I've decided to donate another $10 to help the cause. I challenge those who read my blog to do the same.

This is the season of giving and showing love....show some for those who really need it this year.

Donations can be made to this website.

www.akshayausa.org/

Kelly

Reminder....

A very powerful video that has moved me deeply. It's a nice reminder of those who have much less then us this time of year.

Ethiopian Orphans from Simon Scionka on Vimeo.

Will this ever happen???

I'm starting to think that there is someone higher up there that is trying to give me a sign that we should stop this whole process. I'm so tired of waiting to be a mom. I just want it to happen already. Is that too much to ask????? Are you listening up there????

Another month goes by....

News, but not a referral.

I think I should have made myself a little more clear what my news might have been about. As much as I would love to be sharing to everyone about a referral....it's just not that kind of news I'm excited about. Sorry!

I'm excited that one of my friends has gotten engaged and I'm heading to Montreal for the wedding. I got my time off with work and I'm planning on having a great trip with friends to celebrate one of my best friends. I can't wait for May to come around!!!!

I will keep you all posted on a any referral news!

No News Yet!

Looks like I will have to wait a while longer for my news to share. Once I get my confirmation I will let everyone know. I'm really hoping for some good news this holiday season!

Hoping for good news tomorrow!

I can't say to much right now....but I will let you know as soon as I can. I'm in need of something positive for once.

People I encounter daily...

Beware of the Doghouse

Moms of multiples are freaks of nature

It's funny how strangers you meet can ask you such questions.

Funny how in a moment your emotions change.....

Today I woke up feeling that today was going to be a good day. I had the chance to hang out with my friends, go to the movies and even have supper with my wonderful husband. It was a good day. Then all of the sudden a Hallmark commercial changes everything. Funny how they can make you cry. Then I have to laugh at myself because I'm sitting here crying over a commercial. It didn't help that it was about Christmas and coming together with your children. Don't I wish. It's another year with just the two of us. How I look inside the spare room that is already set up for a little one to join our family and wonder when will I ever open that door to see our child sleeping in the bed. I find myself going in and rearranging the toys to find some sort of closeness to our child. Sometimes I think that I should put them all away till we get a referral, but a part of me needs them there to feel like I have some sort of connection with them. Some of you might find that strange...since it's more then likely that our child isn't even born yet. I bet those of you who are adopting know what I how I'm feeling. Sometimes I wish there was a monthly support group just so that I can feel normal. So you don't have to hide how you feel from everyone because they just don't get it. How I don't have to feel wrong for wanting a family now not later. It seems no matter how you try to explain how you feel to your closes friends they just don't "really" get it how you feel during this journey to your child. How you are excited that you are adopting but find the waiting sometimes hard to handle. I just have to remind myself that the it will be worth it all in the end.....I know there will be a day that I will look in that room and see our child fast a sleep.

Had to share this.

Ethiopian Orphans from Simon Scionka on Vimeo.

Can't sleep

For the last few weeks I've had a lot on my mind, which has made it hard to fall asleep at night. I know that I just have to let my mind relax but it's hard. Anyone out there know of any secrets of how to get to sleep during a restful time??? Any suggestions would help. I really need to have a full eight hours sleep with no interruptions.

Trying to get through this time of year.

It hard to believe that Christmas is coming on us again......and I'm still waiting. I just want to share this time of year with a family of our own. I have to keep putting a face on when meeting with family to just get through it all. How much I loved this time of year growing up....to only dread it now. I would love to just go away this time of year till it's all over. Is that too much to ask?

Another month goes by......

Reporters

I got a call last week from a reporter that I could have gone through the phone and slapped him in the face. I was so upset over this phone call that I phone my husband at work in tears. The reporter called and asked if I had adopted a child and I said no. Well he laughed and said well I found your blog on line and seen that you started the process in Dec 2008, and he thought we would have had a baby by now. I was so shocked by his lack of sensitivity that I was lost for words. When I finally could say something, I just told him that adoption take a long time. He then had the nerve to ask me if we would still be getting "one". I just told him that we are still on the waiting list. I then told him that I had to go.

I couldn't believe that someone would laugh over such a sensitive matter like this. I called TJ at work and he was so upset that he wanted to call them back to tell them off. I didn't remember the persons name which I feel was for the best. I can't believe that a so called reporter wouldn't read all the blog before calling.

If there any other reporters out there that come across this blog....read it before calling!

Guess we will have to increase our age request like it or not.

We got an update today that we need to look at updating our age or have a very long wait. Guess it looks like we will increase the age. Now the decision is to figure out what age to go up to. I'm so worried that we will have attachment issues if we go to high in age. Since I don't know a lot of people that have adopted an older child I don't know who to talk to about our concerns.

I'm just feeling so confused of what to do. Anyone out there that have adopted older children that can tell how their experience was like?

Kelly

Wave of Light on Oct 15th

Remembering our Angel babies.....we love you always.

Love Mommy & Daddy

To increase the age or not to increase the age...that is the question.

We've been wondering if we should increase our ages due to the lack of infant referrals. Just after seeing referral after referral come in for toddlers we wonder if we should be thinking about changing the ages. I just don't want to make a increase then see a bunch of infant referrals come in. I just don't know what to do.

What was it like for those who adopted a toddler?

Kelly

18 months and counting....need I say more.

still crying myself to sleep

I'm tired. I'm sad. I feel broken. I just want to feel whole again.


Why is life so hard?

How long can I dream of you?

How I long for that moment to hold our child for the first time. How I would love to hear those special words...I love you mommy. How I long to put them to sleep. How I long to wipe their tears away. How I long to just have you in my arms. How I love this faceless child in my heart and we have yet to meet.

How I never want to wake up dreaming of you but how long can I wait for our dream to come true. How long do we have to dream of you before you become more then just a dream. How much longer do I have to wait.....

I can't help but think that maybe we've waited long enough and it's time to let go of our dream of you. How we've wanted this dream to come true. I wonder if it's going to be just what it is.....a dream. Maybe it's time to just wake up and learn to dream of something other then you?

Another Birthday....

Another year goes by and I'm still not a mom. Whooo hooo....that's something to celebrate....not.

Update....

I heard word yesterday that an update was given out about the referrals for siblings. There have only been two referrals since the new Imagine opened up their doors. Now it doesn't look like referrals for children under the age of three will come in anytime soon. Those who are on the siblings list are to increase their ages or wait...wait and wait. Which is hard to hear for those who have been waiting for years already.

With this news it has left us to believe that our hopes of adopting siblings has now come to an end. I felt there was possibility that this might happen but we held on to hope that we might just have a happy ending. We are still on the list for a referral for a single child. Even though we did put ourselves on both list...it doesn't make the news any less painful.

My heart goes out to those who were affected by this news.

Kelly and TJ

Another year....and still Not a Mom.

I hate this day....enough said.

Feeling sad...

I'm just feeling sad tonight. I was putting things way in the "baby's room" and just took a moment and looked around....looking at all the things I got for our future child. My emotions just took over, and I couldn't stop crying. This time last year I was full of joy of what my future would bring. That this spring there could be a referral for us. There will be no referral for us this spring....or even this year.

That makes me sad.

It's been a year waiting for a referral

I have nothing positive to say.

Two Trips Needed Now.

Its official we now have to travel twice to Ethiopia for our adoption to go through. With everything that has happened during this application to adopt from Ethiopia it comes to us as another hurdle to get over. I’m not sure where we will find additional funds to travel twice but we’ll figure out some how. Part of me is excited over the fact that we might be able to see our child the first trip, though I’m wondering how that will affect me emotionally having to leave them behind. That part scares me more then anything. I know that everyone that will be affected by this change knows how I’m feeling.

TJ looks so cute in pink...lol

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

UPDATE: My new number!

I'm trying to get on the positive train and look forward to what's ahead of me. I seen on Rory's blog how far his parents came up the list; and thought that I had to let my friends and family know where we are on the list as well.

Our original number on the list: 132

# of referrals in December: 3

# of referrals in January: 14

# of referrals in February: 2

# of referrals in March (so far): 4

Total number of referrals: 23

Our (approximated) new number on the list: 109!

Congratulations!

I just wanted to Congratulate the families that got a referral today. It looks like Imagine had 2 referrals today. It was good news after the last few weeks of bad news. I wish them all the best!

Just Sad.

It's hard to keep positive lately. It seems that all I've been doing lately is going through the motions. It doesn't seem to help that I keep running into old friends that are pregnant lately. I'm happy for them, but part of me feels so hurt. I know that it's not them that is hurting me just the situation. I just find it so hard standing there wishing them well with a lump in my throat. Nothing worse then seeing a grown woman cry in Walmart. All I do lately is cry. This isn't right to feel so sad about having a family. Why do we have to go through so much to love a child? Why do we have to wait so many years to have a child? Tell me how to get through this!

I just want to be a mom.

I'm sitting here looking at the screen wondering what to write. I think the title says it all. I'm just living in sadness wondering if and when this will ever happen. I'm really not sure if it will for us. I'm not sure how much one can take of all this. I can't take a break from my life even how much I want to right now. I wake up every day hoping that our miracle will happen. Everyday I'm slapped in the face with reality that our miracle isn’t coming today. Why do I have to live in such pain each and every day? Why do I have to listen to everyone that this is "our time" enjoy it. Why do I have to keep putting on a brave face for everyone else to feel comfortable around me? I just want to be a mother. What so wrong with that?

More news....and not great news.

It seems that every time we think we are making some head way with our adoption we are kicked in the teeth with bad news. Last week we were told that 3 out of the 5 orphanages are temporary on hold for adoptions right now. We are still unsure of why this is happening. The agency is trying to find this out for us as well. This will mean longer delays with our adoption. It’s just want we needed to hear.

Then yesterday I only find out that there’s a possible chance that we will now have to travel to Ethiopia twice to be able to adopt our child. Part of me was excited to have the possibility to see our child before we take them home. Now there’s more money to be collected and no guarantee of the adoption going through. It’s just a scary feeling to have right now. I’m hoping for a happy ending.

11 Months and waiting....

still waiting....and still sad.

Benefit Dance

Benefit Dance/ Silent Auction

February 27th, 2010

Charlottetown Legion
8:30- 1:00 am



Our Family and friends are putting this on for us to help raise the additional cost to our adoption. Please come and join us if you can!

Starting to hate my tickers....

It's been 10 months waiting for a referral....hard keeping positive today.

The only song that seems to keep me going is this....

We Are The World for Haiti!

Need a laugh check this out!

Zumba!

I went to my very first Zumba class last night. I had a great time but man I'm no where near the expert as these ladies. I do suggest to wear pants that aren't loose as kept stepping on mine. Not to mention the butt show I gave to the girl behind me...lol

I had to post this!

I seen this on my friend Nicole's Facebook and had to post it here. I think this is my new Theme song now! LOL

Jeffersons Opening TV Theme - The best bloopers are here

Let the referrals keep coming in!

Our #'s came in today!

I finally got an email today on where we are in the list of families waiting for a referral. As we are on two list we received to #'s to where we are on these list.

Single child under the age of 1 of either sex is #132

Siblings, twins of either sex are 0-3 years is # 43

I'm not sure what one will come up first as we have no way of knowing how many referrals will be coming each month. The agency is working on half the staff as they did before so let;s hope that the referral rate is going to be more then 5 a month. If that's the case you can see that we will be waiting a long time for our child/children.

I must keep positive and look froward to the coming referrals...only make my number go up from here on out!


Congratulations to everyone! Let the Referrals keep coming!!!!!

***** UPDATE *****
For those who are not in the adoption world....a "Referral" is a match to a child. When you are adopting you put forward a request of what sex, age and health issues that you are requesting for your future children. As we have requested a single child either sex under the age of 1yrs at the time of referral. We've also requested siblings or twins 0-3 years of time of referral.

This made me laugh...lol

It's finally 2010 and I'm still sad....

I wanted to start this year off right and keep positive....but I broke my own New Year resolution already. As I looking through everyone’s Christmas photos all I see are happy faces...happy faces of families. I wonder if this will ever happen for me. I want to be posting my pictures of our family opening up gifts by the tree. Each holiday is getting harder and harder as the months pass by. I know this time next year I'll still be wishing the same dream as of today....a family of our own.

I'm scared that we will find out this month that our wait will be years away instead of months. It scares me to think that I will have many more days like this one ahead of me. I wonder how I will find the strength to get through it...again.