Happy but still uneasy...

I got an email today stating that Imagine Adoption will continue running. They had 246 families paid the additional cost to keep the agency open, so this means that we are in the clear till March. That is when we find out if the families will pay the second installment that is due to continue keeping the doors open. I'm happy to hear that we are over the first hurdle but uneasy till I hear referrals coming in. I want to see where I'm at on the master list of things. I thought I would be jumping for joy today with this news but I'm still feeling uneasy of the whole thing. It's almost like I'm waiting for the BUT moment. I don't want my heart to be broken again...and I'm not sure if I'm ready to open it up fully to news we got today. I'm scared to let it sink in. Maybe in time it will creep in there.

Our Annual Christmas Party

Had our annual Christmas party last night. It was very much needed after all this waiting in our adoption world. I'm glad for one night I could just let the hair down and have a good time.

When will the sadness go away....

It's so hard to believe that this year has had so mixed emotions for me. I was so excited over the thought of adopting a child and finally having the family that we've always wanted. I finally let my heart believe that we were going to have all our dreams come true. To only find out that our dream of a family was over this summer.

I loved the thought of some many people faught to keep the dream alive and are trying to get the agency up and running again. I so want to believe that it will really happen...I just can't till I know for sure that there will be enough people pay the retainer to keep the agency going. My heart can't take another blow right now. I just find myself crying all the time and I can't stop. If this doesn't go through we aren't going to have our happy ending.

I don't need to hear oh don't worry it will happen crap right now. The deal is people that all of our money is invested in this. By the time we pay off this failed adoption it will be too late for us to have a family. That's just reality....as hard as it is I have to accept it. That is what makes me so sad. I have no control over my future....and I don't know if I will ever get over this if we don't hear good news after Nov 30th.